Abby, did you know you say

“across” as if it ends in a “t”?

Recently I was on a zoom call with ala, my frequent collaborator and friend. I was preparing to facilitate a half-day workshop on white supremacy and fragility. My understanding of white supremacy is limited to my perspective as a white person. There are endless realities of living under white supremacy as a Black person that I’m oblivious to. I asked ala, who is Black, to talk with me about a couple of concepts that I knew I needed to cover and are tricky for a white person to facilitate. ala was giving me some ideas about how to navigate those conversations.

I told ala that I wanted to talk about the way white supremacy is infused across and emphasizes all other systems of oppression. As I said that sentence ala’s face changed into what I know as their thinking face, the one that means they’re considering what I said and Have Thoughts. In the past I’ve seen that face, reflected, said, “this is one of those times where I’m reflexively protecting whiteness, isn’t it?,” and gotten, “Yup” as the response.

This time I saw the face and couldn’t figure out what caused it. My brain started its anxiety-loop thinking: “What did I say wrong? How can I STILL be getting things so wrong? Should I even facilitate this workshop?!”

I said to ala, “You’re making your ‘something Abby just said is off,’ face. What did I say?” ala paused, obviously considering her words. My panic deepened. ala said, “I’m trying to figure out how to share this with you. I wonder if you’ve ever gotten this feedback before and I’m not sure how you’re going to receive it.”

ala and I have been together in anti-racism, anti-oppression, and liberation spaces for years now. We have had many complicated, transformational conversations, building a foundation of trust, care, and respect. We are friends first, collaborators second. What feedback could ala have that she’d need to think this hard about how to give to me?! My anxiety was nearing “spontaneous combustion” levels.

Finally, ala said, “Did you know that you pronounce “across” like it has a “t” at the end of it? I’ve noticed it a few times and I’ve wondered if it’s a regional thing from growing up in Western New York, or just something singular to you…By the way, I did hear everything you said about white supremacy and intersectionality and yes to all of that. I’m really curious about this pronunciation of “across,” though.”

“Acrosst…acrosst…wow, you’re right! I absolutely pronounce ‘across’ as if it is spelled ‘acrosst.’ I had no idea!” I said. “Also, I almost had a full-on heart attack thinking you were going to give me feedback about a way that I had somehow completely screwed up talking about white supremacy.”

Because we do this for a living, ala and I debriefed about what happened was a “perfect” example of just how frequently all of us can be in conversation with another person, each having wildly different experiences and understandings of those conversations. ala and I got to a place of shared understanding because we are intentional about checking-in with each other, clarifying, and over-communicating to make sure we are both leaving the moment on the same page.

Again, ala and I do belonging and transformational relationship work for a living. We had a conversation where no one did anything wrong, no one was at fault, and yet, for a moment, our understanding of what was going on and what messages we were sending and receiving could not have been farther apart.

I guarantee similar things are happening to you all the time, even if you have no idea. Just because we are in the same meeting, sit through the same presentation, or nread the same memo as our colleagues does not mean we are taking away the same experiences, perceptions, next steps, or understandings. Honestly, I now assume I’m not on the same page as the person I’m talking with. I have started checking in and asking more questions. The answers I get reveal how often my guesses, before asking the questions, were wrong.

All of us receive and process information differently. We all have different identities, experiences, and context in our lives that impact what we hear, feel, and witness. What stands out to us, what we miss entirely. Those different ways of processing and experiencing are neither better or worse than each other. They just are and they can easily lead to conflict and confusion.

I can’t give you “Three Easy Steps to Ensure Perfect Communication” to end this piece. That’s fantasy. I can share what practices I’m trying to integrate into my life, relationships, and leadership to have more clarity, more often.

Decentering Myself: My perception and understanding of a situation is only one way to understand it. Other folks will experience that same situation in different, equally valid ways. I cannot make assumptions that what I’m thinking, feeling, or taking away are the same as what anyone else is taking away.

Getting Curious: Asking folks, “What do you think? How did that land for you? What are you taking away from that?” This is especially important when I’m in a position of power. Asking for the other person’s reflections first gives them a chance to respond without - even subconsciously - deferring to my views.

Fact Checking: “Can I tell you what I think just we just agreed upon and the next steps I’m taking away, to see if we’re on the same page?”

Belonging means everyone has a voice and that everyone’s needs are considered. Getting to belonging requires us to put in the effort to make sure we think people are saying and needing is accurate.

Learning Resource

I love this image from Sonja Swanepoel. It’s one of those things that I know is true about me as a leader (and human) and that coaching partners have found to be true about themselves. We look for workshops and checklists to teach us how be more inclusive and move equitably when what we need to do is our own healing.

adrienne maree brown wrote Love Looks Like Accountability in YES magazine in 2022. It illustrates what Swanepoel’s image captures this better than I ever could. Here’s an excerpt:

“Be responsible for your internal state, and the external impacts you might have on others.

It’s intentional that we think about internal accountability as a solo practice. So much of being in relationship with another is about being able to have deep awareness of what it is we want and need in a given moment, and what we’re feeling—be it safety or vigilance.

This can be immensely uncomfortable. We might be feeling some combination of vulnerable, insecure, scared, disrespected, angry, or other emotions that we aren’t always raised to hold with dignity. If we can’t be aware of—and responsible for—our own feelings, then anyone else we are relating to can easily become a site of our projections or unharnessed energy. We can have negative and harmful impacts we did not intend.

Trauma and toxic patterns trickle outward, viral. Even small misalignments within can create ripples that change the culture of a whole community. What begins as a wound in one person can move like a sharp knife through a friendship, romance, workplace, family, or community.

The good news is, accountable practices can be just as contagious. The more we can take accountability for our own feelings and impacts, the more we invite others to handle their own needs and feelings, which makes way for interdependence. Center, journal your emotional state, ground yourself by taking a deep breath; discover or develop a practice you can count on that helps you assess how you feel, not for the sake of controlling those emotions, but for the sake of honest communication. Be transparent with others about what those centering and grounding practices are for you.”

Folks to Follow

It’s easy to feel overwhelmed or insignificant when we think about the work that’s needed to get to liberation. Forces of oppression are tremendous marketers, bombarding us with negative stories, flaunting their power, and taking every opportunity to separate and divide us. Octavia Butler reminds us that there isn’t just one path to travel on the journey to liberation. There are too many paths to count. One of those paths is yours. It’s right in front of you. All that’s required is for you to put one foot in front of the other.

Ready for the next step?