Justice Walks June 2025

“Abby, are you the oldest person in the world?”

I was walking my four-year-old friend to Pre-K. His question came out of the blue.

Weeks away from my 50th birthday, age was a bit of a sensitive issue for me, and my instant reaction was pearl-clutching offense. But,

• He’s four,

• And a thinker,

• And I’ve been working on listening to understand vs listening to respond;

I took a breath. Before I could speak, he had another question:

“Abby, do you FEEL like the oldest person in the world?”

Okay…this was more interesting. I drew on all my learning and healing work from the last few years and very calmly, with only curiosity in my voice, said, “Do you think I’m the oldest person in the world?”

“Well, I feel like you’ve said that sometimes.”

Oh. 💡

Flashback to me, on his parents’ floor with he and his sister wrestling me to the ground. I say to the adults in the room, “I hope you’re ok with me living here on your floor now? I’m not sure I can get up; I am the oldest person in the world.”

I said to him, “You know what, Buddy, I bet that is something I have said as a joke.”

What a lesson. Well, what lessons.

1. Gathering more information is key to effective communication. Boy did I want to immediately respond with something sarcastic and/or defensive to that first question. But my friend was looking to connect. He was looking to understand more of the world and my and his place in that world. He was curious. By meeting his curiosity with my own, I was able to more clearly understand what he was trying to find out and meet him in that conversation - not in the one I originally, wrongly assumed we were in.

2. Self regulation is important. This one is true 100% of the time. I got activated when my guy asked if I was the oldest person in the world. That was MY stuff, not his and not anything he caused. I needed to take a breath, notice my reaction, and recognize that externalizing those emotions onto him with my response was not appropriate or helpful.

3. People listen to our narratives about ourselves. (You may want to imagine “Children Will Listen,” from the musical Into the Woods playing in the background of your mind now). At four, my friend is learning about the world. He’s had limited input and exposure, so when a trusted adult says something, he has no reason not to take it at face value. I said I was the oldest person in the world. He believed me. Another friend heard this story and said, “Time to start dreaming stuff you want him and YOU to think and believe…” Yes. That part.

It’s a lot to unpack out of one question from my four-year-old friend. And I’m pretty sure I’ve just gotten started.

As you go through your day, consider leaning in to curiosity for every interaction. Notice what you hear, and see if you can find ways to understand if what you heard is what the person means to communicate. I’m endlessly fascinated around how often my first assumption about what my conversation partner is saying is wrong.

Learning Resource

Folks to Follow

Mimi Gonzalez is a first-gen Afro-Latina who is passionate about storytelling as a tool for reclaiming identity & community care. Losing 36 loved ones well before turning 30 and working as a death doula taught her how much grief shapes who we are and how we show up. One way Mimi is building the support and community she needed (and needs) is through her podcast, griefsense, where she hosts conversations on grief, mental health, and social impact with a particular focus on Black, Latine, and Gen Z folks. I know it sounds depressing, but Mimi is one of the most joyful people I know.

Paul Johnson is doing the deep, internal work to unlearn the messages of superiority whiteness teaches us and learn what it means to be and move in liberation. He’s sharing his journey with amazing transparency and authenticity. If you’re a white person who struggles with shame, guilt, fear, and perfectionism in anti-racism work, check out Paul on LinkedIn above or get his newsletter on Substack. (Note: I usually intentionally recommend Black, queer, trans, and other traditionally marginalized folks as experts. It is also important for those of us who are white to know about and build community with our peers in this work.)

I appreciate this differentiation from Arthur Chan. When I was growing up, being impolite was the greatest sin. It was hard to learn that politeness often causes harm. Kindness and niceness are different. Welcoming and including are different.

• Can you think of examples of when you have been welcomed but not included?

• What are ways that you can practice including, not just welcoming, people in your life and as a leader?

Ready for the next step?