The Justice Walk Travelog - July 2023

Leadership development rooted in equity and justice

This month's walking...

You know those AITA threads?

I recently had an, "Oh no, IATA!" experience. 😯

(If these acronyms are new to you, AITA means "Am I The A$$hole?" so IATA means I, Abby, am The A$$hole.") 😬

An email popped up in my inbox. My knee-jerk reaction to reading it was, “What a passive aggressive response! This doesn't seem like someone committed to equity issues!”

The author was responding to a group thread that had offered various times for an upcoming meeting. They wrote, “I work full time so none of those times work for me.”

Suddenly, I remembered that I HAD WRITTEN THE EMAIL offering potential meeting times to this group. I ASSUMED that folks were attending this meeting in their professional roles, but now realized that they were volunteers. 🤦🏻‍♀️

IATA. 😑

Turns out, the email I had that knee-jerk reaction to was entirely appropriate. I'm glad the person spoke up! I was the one who hadn't used an equity lens when writing that initial email.  I hadn't thought about who I was working with or asked about accessibility needs. I acted upon my own preferences. 🙃

I took a deep breath and sent an email to the group naming and apologizing for the assumption I made. I presented a new list potential dates and times to meet that were all in the evening. 📅 ⏰

Within an hour, a third person responded saying that they too could only meet during non-traditional-work-hours and thanked us for the clarifying conversation.

By the end of the day we had a date on the calendar. 👏🏻

What started with me feeling self-righteous and judgmental led me to recognize that I was the problem.

When I feel self-righteous, it's a signal that I need to pause, get curious, and ask what I'm missing. As was true in this case, my perception is usually what needs a reset.

Equity work begins at home, y'all. 😊

Kent Foreman on stage. He is a Black man wearing a black shirt, bronze blazer, and tan fedora. He has glasses and a mustache.

Staying with the theme of thinking about others' needs:A few months ago, I came across this very short video of Kent Foreman performing his poem, "Epiphany." It's become something my colleague Ala and I share in workshops.Kent says, "Oh! She wants me to love her the way she would love her if she was me."Sit with that for a second.Art hits different people different ways.What you take away and what I take away may not be the same.This is actually the point (says me 😊).My interpretation of this poem, my expectations and needs in relationship, my definition of the word "respect" is probably different from yours.So, we need to communicate.Kent's poem expresses the Platinum Rule. Treat others as THEY want to be treated. This is different from the Golden Rule many of us learn, to treat others as WE want to be treated.Living by the Golden Rule can lead to me centering myself: what I need, what works for me, what I think is correct behavior. When I also think about, consider, ask, and follow what other people's needs are, I'm moving outside of myself to be in true give-and-take relationship.I'm learning what being loved looked and feels like for them, what being treated respectfully means to them, and sharing with them where I align and where I'm different.Quick example.* My mom is a consummate care-giver. She shows her love by making you food, getting you a cup of tea, preparing your room. I am very independent. I show my love by taking care of myself, making sure that you don't HAVE to cook or clean up after me.You can see where conflict, confusion, and hurt feelings could arise, right? We were both acting from a place of trying to love the other, but ending up making each other feel the opposite.Luckily, my mom is also a life-long learner.  We eventually paused, had a heart-to-heart, and figured out what was going on.  Now that we understand each other's rhythms and needs I sometimes let her make me meals, and she sometimes lets me fend for myself. We both feel loved and loving.I'm curious. How did YOU hear this poem?*Story shared with mom's permission.

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